ic inbox;

[marsascending]

Helloooooooo you've reached BARiTONES' Paloma! I'd love to chat with you but I'm away from my phone right now, so leave a message and you'll hear from me soon~

Comments

Re: day 280.

[420blazeit]

I feel like I'm kind of in a downward spiral, so that may be easier said than done. I can pretend to be alright for the crowds, as any performer, but behind the scenes... I just sort of feel like I'm desperately trying to keep from crumbling.

I do, yeah. I always try to do little things for them, to show them how much I care and how much they mean to me.

[ she's going to start laughing at that. ] You're not wrong. I definitely know I had to just stop beating around the bush in a few situations, because my god.

I feel like I'm too broken for that now, but, yeah, that... makes sense...

Re: day 280.

[marsascending]

Okay okay okay stop stop stop stop stop you have to stop saying things like "I'm too broken."

Vulnerability, yes, people feel really flattered if you let them in, if you tell them about your problems, but once you get to that level of self-deprecating, if they can't see themselves saving you they think they can't do anything for you.

Do the people who care about you know how bad things are for you, right now?

Re: day 280.

[420blazeit]

I don't know how to turn it around. And I've always felt bad about dumping my problems on people, because I know they've got their own.

And, yeah, I've told a couple of them... but I feel like before they can help me I have to help myself.

Re: day 280.

[marsascending]

Ah, but see, that's the thing—people like feeling like they're being let into your life, getting personal, you know? If you knew someone was having a tough time, but they didn't want to talk to you about it, even if you're really close... that'd feel bad, right?

Re: day 280.

[420blazeit]

...back home we weren’t really allowed to let people know how bad things had gotten. Things were bad and the news would always paint a brighter picture, so I guess I just got used to trying to suppress everything for fear of how it would affect people. But I do know, thanks to a friend, that if I lighten the load for them, then they’ve got it slightly easier, so that means they can help me in return... if that makes sense. [ cups a hand over her face. ] But yes. I’m trying, but it’s hard.

Re: day 280.

[marsascending]

It's a little bit of a different situation here, which means a different strategy, after all.

Honestly—having someone open themselves up to you makes someone feel special, usually, if there's a bond there. Which is at least 50% of the reason my marriage fell apart the way it did.

Vulnerability's awful, but. Baby steps.